Friday, September 13, 2013

A few tidbits

I'm constantly learning new things about myself. Revealing new truths in my little brain about who I am evolving into and often times evolving through. This week was no exception...

This week I realized how much knowing the little details helps me to cope during times of duress.  Weird I'm sure but that's okay. It's me and we all have a little weird in the person we know as me. 

With pops' little accident there was so many unknowns that we were dealing with over the first little bit. And as my mind was trying to wrap around that I found myself asking or wanting to ask the dumb questions... Are the sheep okay? How did the truck look? What ditch? What was the truckers name? Has Dana changed any in looks since i last took the school bus with him? Where is mom sleeping? Who is coming in to visit? What was dad wearing? What was Trev wearing? Heck, what was the whole family wearing? What are the nephews doing? What vehicles did they take to the city? I'm telling you they were dumb dumb dumb. And when I voiced some of them I could sense am exasperation/frustration on the other end. I am sure it seemed like I was either questioning if everything was under control or others couldn't believe that as we waited to find out what dads state was I was concerned about the sheep. 

It wasn't that I thought that any of these details were important. It wasn't that I didn't care more about dad than anything else in the world at that moment. But looking back I realized they served so many other purposes. 

They helped me feel connected to the activity and fuss that was happening in the periphery. Being so far away I needed that. Especially as it felt like I knew less than a random person in town. 

They were things that could be open and shut. Questions I could ask that could be answered. I didn't like not knowing so much that it helped to feel like I could know a little bit.

And perhaps one of the biggest drivers,  these questions kept the communication lines open with me. Like a little girl coming up with every reason one could to delay bedtime, I was grasping for every excuse I could come up with to text someone. Anyone. To check my phone for news. To make sure the messages were still going through. Rather than waiting in silence I could fill the void and not wait completely alone. 

So weird hey??

But alas... That is the fun of life. We grow. We mature. And as we get to know others... Often the biggest revelations are about ourselves. 

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