Monday, May 29, 2006

Ever have a craving for greek salad and you aren't too sure why . . .?

Well, perhaps your investigating should start with sniffing the person next to you . . . alas, this will never be truly understood unless I dive into the story so here goes - and please if you get a mental image, feel completely free in laughing out loud cause quite certainly it was the funny in real life.

So as per usual as of late, this one morning a couple of weeks ago (when we had the gorgeous hot stretch), I was running a little behind schedule. And now that it is summer, one must factor in the extra 10 minutes it takes to shave ones legs. Especially considering my attraction to short skirts. Now it truly isn't an attraction which is in vain but rather quite a vain attraction. You see, I think I look pretty good in short skirts as that flashes the best part of my legs and hides those trouble parts - the high upper thigh area. So anyways, I was running late. But to keep the body in its best svelte form, you always here how important it is to have breakfast. And we know that too many carbs does not consitute a healthy body trimming breakfast. Truly, I must be upfront at this point and share that I do need to work to get myself into svelte form (surprising I know but those short skirts do hide something Nicole and that something looks a little like my breakfast food of choice if you get what I mean!) and so watching the carb intake is important in my day. Therefor, on the way out of the house, as you have probably already deduced for those that love Alfred Hitchcock, I grabbed the container of cottage cheese as well as some fruit and a yogurt, shoved it in a plastic bag and put that plastic bag on the top of the cute pair of sandals that I was going to wear with my short little skirt, my mother's day card, and a few other items.

Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention, the weather was predicted to be 27 with a chance for showers that day.

Anyways, so I run out of the house and start my quick little speed walking trip to the bus praying that I will beat the bus and there will be a seat for me. As I cross the street about a block from my house I feel this drip on my foot. Now to know me is to know that ever since a bird crapped on my head when I was in a particular vain moment on my way to lunch after church, and the hex dude from the bus during another vain moment, I am extremely paranoid that a bird might crap on me again. So upon feeling the substantial rain drop i immediately look down to ensure it is clear and not slimy white with some green. My fears were instantly relieved when I could not see any evidence of the drip. I then glanced up to the sky and noticed that it was slightly overcast. After another 4 or 5 raindrops growing in size with each one, my prayer began to also include that I would make it to the bus before it started to pour on me. Throughout this entire internal dialogue with God I am also wondering why there does not appear to be any wet spots elsewhere on the pavement when suddenly I felt rain running down my leg.

Now by this time, regardless with how distracted I was with the potential of birds crapping on my and how tired I still was, I know that this couldn't be rain when I looked in my bag and spotted the cottage cheese container. Of course, that had to be it, the cottage cheese must be leaking out a little. I was now starting to catch a drift of something that no longer smelt lilac'y fresh and couldn't wait to finish crossing the street to check out what was going on. As I squatted down on the sidwalk and started to look into my bag I realized that it indeed was not cottage cheese I had grabbed but rather the feta cheese (explanation number 1 for the smell). I pulled out the plastic bag with my breakfast items to find that the container had completely drained of all the brine that the feta is stored in and this brine had now soaked my sandals, my mother's day card was starting to warp and my bag had a pool of brine sitting in it on the bottom.

As i am dry heaving over the stench so early in the morning, and trying to clean up my bag as best I coul I am now realizing that I will miss my bus that I normally take. Then from behind me I hear a familiar sound - the lady who dry heaves/coughs every 45 seconds is quickly approaching. (I must also share that this lady is the reason why I avoid that bus time at all cost - she makes me start to get nauseas by her noises and I have to listen to it on my 25 minute commute downtown as my stop is apparently before hers) By this point, there is nothing I can do but truly laugh out loud! I get to the bus stop and continue to try to clean up my sandals on the grass and toss out the lunch bag with the feta container and all the kleenexes and napkins I used to clean everything up.

The bus pulls up and it is packed. At this time of year, a packed bus also means that it is hot and stuffy and people often do not open the windows at that time of the day yet. As soon as I step on I realize that this is not going to be a fun rider for everyone else as the strong sent of feta cheese and brine seems to prepare the way before me. I am unsure as to whether I should own up to this stench and apologize or start to sniff and look around me in disgust for the 'individual' causing such a rancid stench. In keeping with my true personality I opt for the latter.

My entire day was off due to this one little incident. My sandals were so saturated with brine that I could not wear them and was forced to wear flip flops with my little skirt all day, the feta was all over my skirt and so as hard as I tried to get it out, the skirt certainly had an eau de greek salate!, my bag needed airing as well and so the stench continued from my cubicle for most of the day.

My mercies, God certainly has an amusing way of dealing with my vanity and amusing myself, Himself and all others I seem to come in contact with using my life every chance He gets!!


Sarah & Lee in the M.E. said...

I DO feel like a greek salad now just after reading the incident. Just a tip...great with garbanzo beans, Italian dressing and lots of garlic!

Seriously I would like to be your invisible friend and follow you around one day just to laugh with you not at you at all your gong show moments in life. Thanks for brightening up my day!

Jules said...

It is certainly quite true - listen to the latest:

i needed to go to Kelly's house for a bbq on Monday night and was supposed to bring some stuff. I took my car to work knowing I wouldn't have time to come home and pick it up. then cause I had my car already I was able to stop at Safeway on the way to pick up some things.

Well as I come out of Safeway and head towards my car I see two men chatting a couple of cars down from them. I load the stuff in the passenger side and am just about to come around to the driver's side when they part ways and the one man comes sauntering towards me. Okay - so picture about 5'2" tall by 5'2" wide, wearing a little bucket fishing hat, a pair of work overalls and a flannel shirt that has the left chest pocket ripped off leaving a large hole that allows his frollicking chest hair to showcase itself! Then he approaches me and starts to ask about my car, if I like it, if it is speedy, etc. So I approach the door trying to be pleasant yet not welcoming hoping he will get the hint. Oh no - as i open the door he starts to comment on the fact that it is a standard and I must be pretty good to be able to drive a standard. I know get into the car and start to close the door but he grabs it from me and opens it wider. Now he starts to mention how he is trying to get his buddy to buy a car like mine but his buddy isn't convinced and so he would really like to take a spin in one to convince his buddy how fabulous the car really is!! So to that I suggest any number of dodge dealerships seem to be well stocked with them at the moment so i am sure they can test drive one somewhere and that i need to go as i am late for a dinner engagement. Then he starts to point out his vehicle - a jalopy of a jeep that has no top on it even though it has been raining all day and the passenger door is currently missing but was rectified by taking plastic with that bright red car tape over the whole. apparently he really enjoys driving without a top and so he can relate to me wanting to buy a soft top . . . blah blah blah. It seriously took me 10 minutes to get away from this guy!!

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