Ever have a craving for greek salad and you aren't too sure why . . .?

Well, perhaps your investigating should start with sniffing the person next to you . . . alas, this will never be truly understood unless I dive into the story so here goes - and please if you get a mental image, feel completely free in laughing out loud cause quite certainly it was the funny in real life.

So as per usual as of late, this one morning a couple of weeks ago (when we had the gorgeous hot stretch), I was running a little behind schedule. And now that it is summer, one must factor in the extra 10 minutes it takes to shave ones legs. Especially considering my attraction to short skirts. Now it truly isn't an attraction which is in vain but rather quite a vain attraction. You see, I think I look pretty good in short skirts as that flashes the best part of my legs and hides those trouble parts - the high upper thigh area. So anyways, I was running late. But to keep the body in its best svelte form, you always here how important it is to have breakfast. And we know that too many carbs does not consitute a healthy body trimming breakfast. Truly, I must be upfront at this point and share that I do need to work to get myself into svelte form (surprising I know but those short skirts do hide something Nicole and that something looks a little like my breakfast food of choice if you get what I mean!) and so watching the carb intake is important in my day. Therefor, on the way out of the house, as you have probably already deduced for those that love Alfred Hitchcock, I grabbed the container of cottage cheese as well as some fruit and a yogurt, shoved it in a plastic bag and put that plastic bag on the top of the cute pair of sandals that I was going to wear with my short little skirt, my mother's day card, and a few other items.

Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention, the weather was predicted to be 27 with a chance for showers that day.

Anyways, so I run out of the house and start my quick little speed walking trip to the bus praying that I will beat the bus and there will be a seat for me. As I cross the street about a block from my house I feel this drip on my foot. Now to know me is to know that ever since a bird crapped on my head when I was in a particular vain moment on my way to lunch after church, and the hex dude from the bus during another vain moment, I am extremely paranoid that a bird might crap on me again. So upon feeling the substantial rain drop i immediately look down to ensure it is clear and not slimy white with some green. My fears were instantly relieved when I could not see any evidence of the drip. I then glanced up to the sky and noticed that it was slightly overcast. After another 4 or 5 raindrops growing in size with each one, my prayer began to also include that I would make it to the bus before it started to pour on me. Throughout this entire internal dialogue with God I am also wondering why there does not appear to be any wet spots elsewhere on the pavement when suddenly I felt rain running down my leg.

Now by this time, regardless with how distracted I was with the potential of birds crapping on my and how tired I still was, I know that this couldn't be rain when I looked in my bag and spotted the cottage cheese container. Of course, that had to be it, the cottage cheese must be leaking out a little. I was now starting to catch a drift of something that no longer smelt lilac'y fresh and couldn't wait to finish crossing the street to check out what was going on. As I squatted down on the sidwalk and started to look into my bag I realized that it indeed was not cottage cheese I had grabbed but rather the feta cheese (explanation number 1 for the smell). I pulled out the plastic bag with my breakfast items to find that the container had completely drained of all the brine that the feta is stored in and this brine had now soaked my sandals, my mother's day card was starting to warp and my bag had a pool of brine sitting in it on the bottom.

As i am dry heaving over the stench so early in the morning, and trying to clean up my bag as best I coul I am now realizing that I will miss my bus that I normally take. Then from behind me I hear a familiar sound - the lady who dry heaves/coughs every 45 seconds is quickly approaching. (I must also share that this lady is the reason why I avoid that bus time at all cost - she makes me start to get nauseas by her noises and I have to listen to it on my 25 minute commute downtown as my stop is apparently before hers) By this point, there is nothing I can do but truly laugh out loud! I get to the bus stop and continue to try to clean up my sandals on the grass and toss out the lunch bag with the feta container and all the kleenexes and napkins I used to clean everything up.

The bus pulls up and it is packed. At this time of year, a packed bus also means that it is hot and stuffy and people often do not open the windows at that time of the day yet. As soon as I step on I realize that this is not going to be a fun rider for everyone else as the strong sent of feta cheese and brine seems to prepare the way before me. I am unsure as to whether I should own up to this stench and apologize or start to sniff and look around me in disgust for the 'individual' causing such a rancid stench. In keeping with my true personality I opt for the latter.

My entire day was off due to this one little incident. My sandals were so saturated with brine that I could not wear them and was forced to wear flip flops with my little skirt all day, the feta was all over my skirt and so as hard as I tried to get it out, the skirt certainly had an eau de greek salate!, my bag needed airing as well and so the stench continued from my cubicle for most of the day.

My mercies, God certainly has an amusing way of dealing with my vanity and amusing myself, Himself and all others I seem to come in contact with using my life every chance He gets!!

Gong Show Magnet

And if any of you think that I am not talking about my life . . .

Okay so listen to this small rant which actually has me battling discouragement over it: So Sunday was a gorgeous day. I must admit was feeling a little discouragement in the morning at our lead team meeting but church and worship were amazing and then I came home, had some lunch while talking to a friend and went for a nice long prayer walk. My spirits were quite refreshed and the day was gorgeous. Next item on my list was grocery shopping - well since the day was so beautiful it seemed a shame to not put the top down. As I am driving to Safeway, I am realizing that the 5 minute drive is not nearly long enough for this day so I turn down McKnight, catch Edmonton Trail and hook up with Memorial Drive - my favorite strip for a topless cruise!! Well, as I am stopping in the long line of cars, I look in my rear view mirror to see this huge pathfinder barreling down on me - I tense up and await the crash which to my relief does not occur with about 8" to spare, then I hear someone locking their breaks, squealing tires and the sickening sound of plastic and metal being warped beyond recognition as my body jolts forward in the seat (the force was enough to cause my 1/3 full Tim's (1/2 FV and 1/2 Coffee - thanks for that introduction Sarah) to slosh all over the counsel). Well the pathetic string of cars led by myself turns off on a side street and begins to exchange numbers! Poor little Zinny :( She looked so sad and bruised sitting there waiting while I got everything worked out. The Pathfinder had this huge metal grill which crumpled her little bumper and trunk. The gentleman who caused the accident definitely saw the worst of it - his Honda Civic had the entire engine blown out as he ran into the wheel well on the Pathfinder - poor guy. Alas, not only will Zinny's spa date have to be cancelled but now I need to schedule her for some corrective surgery - all I can say is Why Me? Oh well - as my friend so sympathetically put it - cars can be fixed, the main thing is that I am all right (my body is pretty stiff so will be getting some massages out of this deal as well - not all is bad in the state of Denmark I suppose) and that it wasn't his muscle car cause that would be a lot harder to find parts for!

Damsel in Distress

Okay I shared this at group last night but figured those of you unable to make it would enjoy this as well so here goes.

Well I was all dolled up on Tuesday complete with fish net (the office appropriate style) hose and my little shoes. I was sitting in my cubicle speaking with David Murray. Seen as how none of you know David Murray I will divert to spend a small amount of time describing this as it is important to the humor of the story.

David Murray is a gentleman that has been with Entero for a number of years. His hair is completely white, he sports a little mooostahhhhche (the accent is definitely appropriate in this setting), and is very purposeful and methodical about his speech and actions. (The kind of man I am sure I drive nuts in I hope a humorous way as I am all over the map and he likes to draw pictures and boxes and lines to describe everything.) This gentleman is a true gentleman, has a heart of pure gold, absolutely adores his wife and loves talking about her and sips his tea with his pinky out not because he is not masculine but because that is how you do things with proper etiquette. He speaks very slowly and I often catch him saying to me – okay just wait, let’s look here, oh – go back for a second I wasn’t finished over there, etc. etc.

So we are sitting at my desk – myself behind it and David at the rounded corner discussing an issue in the application. For comfort purposes I often kick my shoes off under my desk and did just that. When suddenly I realized that my fishnet were stuck on something in the carpet. I tried to wiggle my foot around to release it but that didn’t work. It was to the point where I could no longer concentrate on the issue at hand as I was too preoccupied by my foot and then I started to giggle. David gives me this strange eyeball wondering what it is I am giggling about when I suddenly stand up as well as I could, push my chair aside and disappear under the desk giggling quite enthusiastically at this point trying to choke out a request for David to excuse me. Well of course David is querying as to what is wrong and all I can get out is my hose, my hose. Finally after trying to release the hose to no avail for a few seconds I manage to explain that I think my hose is caught on a staple. Well then David is ready to jump in and help (being the gentleman that he is – always willing to rescue a damsel in distress)! So then he comes under the desk on the other side and is working away. Well now what a sight – here we both are under the desk giggling uncontrollably. And I must say it did take a good minute or two to detach my foot from this staple. Needless to say we were the joke of the office for the rest of the day!!

And Lani said her bus ride was uneventful . . .

I get on the bus this morning at 7:15 a.m. and am quite excited that there are some seats(- now you must remember that at this point I am the picture of innocence and sweetness). Of course they are all the way at the back of the bus and so I am quickly walking to the back before the bus driver decides to start driving all crazy (Cause there were definitely no cute boys in site that I would have wanted to land in their laps). A couple of the spots would require me to wake sleeping individuals to move over so I chose the one totally free one - wrong move. As I am about to sit down the guy puts his arm around the back of the seat and says "Hey girlie, come sit next to me!" As soon as I sit down I can smell the booze so I know I am in for a bit of an interesting ride (keep in mind this is 7:15 a.m.!! and it wasn't coffee and baileys I was smelling). Well he proceeds over the next 15 minutes to repeatedly ask me where I work, what I do for a living, how I am and if I think that I am better than everyone else - better than anyone in fact and then shares that he is a voodoo spiritualist. It didn't take me long to be wishing I had already purchased that Nano so that I could have appeared unapproachable - instead I go for the only maneuver I can thing of - I am either totally ignoring him by turning my head away or else telling him that I am not going to answer his questions Throughout this he is pulling at my hair (voodoo - yikes), flicking things onto me after he has scratched his head (lice - please tell me no) coughing on me (almost as though he is trying to cough spirits on me) and intensely staring at me (can I help it if I am irresistibly hot). It is silent for a couple minutes and I notice that my boot is slightly dirty so I reach down to clean it, then he does the same on his shoe. Followed by the remaining five minutes of him telling me that I think I am better than everyone else, but I need to realize that I am not. I am better than no-one. That he is better than me. That I act like I don't stink - but if only I would smell my fingers after I wipe my @$$ I would know that I stink as much if not more than others. That I am nothing. Over and over again. Not sure if I should laugh, cry or get up and walk away - I chose the praying for deliverance method!

And seriously - Lani's ride is completely normal. How can that be?!?!

Here are some funnies for you

Okay time for some of the giggles I keep promising:

I will lead off with a May-Lin’ism cause it sure did make me laugh hard and then launch into my life on the bus!

As we were driving home from Lake Louise, it ended up being May-Lin and myself in my car (one of Fran’s other friends met us out there and so Fran went home with her and Nicole’s car contained the passengers from the drive out) and we were talking about speeding. To preface this, I should tell you that there was a bit of playful chastising from Nicole about my lead to Lake Louise as I would sometimes find “Zinny” (that is my car for those in the group who haven’t had a chance to meet her yet) speeding along at 130 in a 90 zone (you know how she likes to do that, Sarah) and so I was trying to be more cognoscente on the way home! J Anyways, May-Lin is stating that she quite likes speed and feels very comfortable driving fast on the trip between Oyen and Calgary! And of course I pipe in with “I know what you mean, I don’t do anything below 130 when I drive home in the summer!” To which May-Lin responds in a slightly dejected voice: “ Oh, well I was kind of talking more around the 110 mark!” Poor thing; I bust out in heaps of laughter and she is helplessly trying to explain why 110 is kind of fast in her little high pitched May-Lin voice. It was quite amusing!

And now for an update on my bus saga. I had filled everyone in on this even on Wednesday and felt that you should not be missing out on such tales . . .

Well last Wednesday, in order to get everything done that I needed to get done and hopefully jet out of the office at 4:30 to prepare for Fran’s birthday eats at small group, I got up and headed downtown to be at the office at 6 a.m. Well, I thought my afternoon rides were eventful – the 5:40 a.m. bus is a whole new story. It is a community which only allows outsiders to observe because it has to. As I am getting on the bus in my semi-comatose state at that dreadful time of the morning, I am met with playful banter between the bus driver and 70% of its riders. They are all talking about what they watched on TV last night, how their day at work was, what they were planning for that day interspersed with all sorts of good natured insults hurled in every direction. It was quite obvious that they knew each other very well. Then the bus driver starts in on her love for photography and slows down at every “picturesque” junction to a turtles pace to show everyone where she would love to take a picture and what she would like to add to it (as in ice on the branches, summer scape with wildflowers, etc). by this time we are reaching the center street bridge and I hear the driver mumbling about David not being there yet. We then stop at the bus stop and wait for David to arrive because he is always there on time and chances are the bus is running “slightly” early! Within about 2 minutes, David does come sauntering to the bus and gets on to good natured jokes about taking an extra couple minutes in the shower that morning. Finally we have made it down town and as people are getting off, they are stopping for the last little extra chat with the driver, telling Tom to move his fat @%%, asking Rita if she is ready for her job review, giving John tips on what to do with his children etc. Seriously it was the #3 gang – I now understand where that guy go the idea for the reality TV show that hid a camera in a subway car – he was obviously at one point and active member on the 5:40 a.m. #3 and I think it might have even been the “Richard” that everyone was talking about how much they missed!